plot twists
by Moony June
Summary: Don't you just love plot twists? Even if they are totally insane? Well, if so give my fic a chance! Warning: INSANE!
1. the dance

**Disclaimer: ****Basically nothing in this story belongs to me... well, probably the insanity does... but nothing that matters belongs to me****  
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**Author's note: ****I am actually sorry for this... don't know where it came from and I'm not quite sure if it is any good but I'll give it a chance. I might remove this again later... or I might add more of my insane little ideas... depends...  
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**Dracula's dance in Budapest**

"Carl, are you serious?" Gabriel Van Helsing asked the monk who was standing next to him trying to figure out why the other man was complaining all the time.

"Totally, Van Helsing, no one will ever suspect that it's really you if you're wearing that costume", the friar responded.

"I don't doubt that…" Gabriel began but was soon interrupted.

"Then don't complain and let's go!" Carl insisted and pushed him out of the door of the costume rental.

"Why don't you have to disguise yourself?" the other man whined again when they were finally out on the street.

"Van Helsing, I am in fact disguised!" the friar sighed.

"Well, you're dressed like usually!" Gabriel stated looking at the other man again. He didn't notice any changes.

"I am dressed as a monk in fact!" Carl explained while still dragging Van Helsing towards the castle where they were meant to go.

"Carl, you are a monk!"

"Friar, I am a friar! No one knows the difference but there are two different words for it so there has to be a difference!"

"How very logical!" Gabriel snorted.

"That's why I'm the genius here!" Carl declared because he managed to ignore the sarcasm in Van Helsing's voice.

Only a little later they had finally reached the entrance of the building. Van Helsing was already waiting for someone to stop them and so he held the stake he hid behind his back a little tighter still.

Carl and Gabriel went into the room which was filled with people already. None of them was stupid enough to think that Dracula didn't have a cunning plan but then again they had one too.

Alright, it wasn't cunning and calling it a plan was like calling a stone intelligent but they had a vague idea of something they might be able to do if something went wrong.

So they went further into the room trying not to arouse any suspicion and at the same time get their fingers on some of the sandwiches that were placed on a big table in the middle of the hall.

So everything went just alright if one ignores the fact that they hadn't found Anna, Dracula or any clues concerning any of the other stuff they had to do.

But they were still happy because the sandwiches were yummy and the wine was good.

Their luck didn't last long however because only little later Dracula stepped towards the table.

"Fancy a dance milady?" he asked.

Gabriel nearly chocked but finally nodded because it seemed to be the best he could do in this situation. Before he went away he managed to hiss "It was a great idea to disguise me as an exotic dancer, Carl!"

"So what? He didn't recognize you!" Carl defended himself.

So Van Helsing had no other choice than to go and dance with Dracula and use a part of his brain for planning his revenge on Carl.

"Where do you come from?" Dracula asked him after a while.

Gabriel shrugged. He didn't think it was safe to say anything because his voice wasn't very girlish. Then again the vampire also seemed to think that he really was a woman, but still.

"Well, never mind" the other man stated finally "You don't talk a lot, do you?"

Van Helsing nodded again thinking of all the sharp and pointy objects he could use on Carl later on.

"You know I've got to find two new brides and you are the only other woman around here who isn't already a vampire is related to me…"

Dracula's seducing voice finally was too much to Van Helsing. So he slapped the vampire hard while announcing: "And I'm not a woman!"

The other man looked at him disbelieving. "Why should I believe this?" he asked looking at Gabriel's breasts.

"They are fake!" Van Helsing shouted.

"Really? Wow, the things plastic surgery can do nowadays…"

"I am not a woman!" Gabriel shouted again while hitting Dracula with his tiny handbag "That's it! I quit!"

Those were the last words Gabriel Van Helsing said before he stormed out of the room.

Rumor has it that he changed his name to Logan and joined a team called "the X-Men".


	2. Have you no heart?

**Disclaimer: ****Nothing's mine... I wish it was... sigh****  
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**Author's note:**** I really hadn't expected to get any reviews for this but then I was surprised! And well... I thought of something new... it's short but I hope you like it anyway! by the way: I'd appreciated suggestions for future chaps! Which parts of the movie would you think would be fun if I rewrote them? **

**Have you no heart?**

The shock of Marishka's death hit Dracula even while he was sleeping.

Why oh why had it had to happen? Why couldn't people just let them live, or rather be undead, in peace?

But most important: Why oh why had he lent his bride twenty dollars last week? She would never be able to give them back to him now.

Thinking about all of this his mood was pretty bad when he left his room to go and find his remaining brides.

As he had expected both of them were pretty down. So he had lost twenty dollars and had two crying women. This was enough to spoil his day for good.

"Uh… would you stop crying please?" he asked as nicely as he could. It was quite out of character for him but shouting at them wouldn't do any good either.

"Hello?!" Dracula raised his voice finally because he was really being annoyed. The two female vampires didn't seem to pay him any of the attention he deserved.

He was Count Dracula after all. Feared by everyone. Hated by most of the people. Loved by a lot of fangirls!

"We are mourning!" Aleera stated quite annoyed.

"I shall find another bride!" Dracula announced as if he really thought that this was something which would help his remaining two brides to overcome the shock of losing Marishka. Typically male one could say, but since I'm no sexist I'll just say: typically male vampire!

"Have you no heart?" asked Verona quite shocked, although she had already spent more than enough time with the man to notice that he wasn't exactly what one would call sensitive.

Dracula sighed while walking away from his brides.

"No!" he announced finally "I have no heart!"

"Really?" his brides asked both astonished.

"Actually, I'm not so sure, my cardiologist hasn't sent the results from last weeks test to me yet!" Dracula answered pondering "Anyway, I feel no love. Nor fear, nor joy, nor sorrow. I am hollow..."

"Really?" his brides asked again.

"Oh come on!" Dracula replied quite annoyed "You knew that I didn't feel anything… I even wrote that into the contract you signed before I turned you into vampires so you couldn't sue me afterwards!"

Both of them suddenly seemed to remember.

"And the thing about you being hollow?" they asked again "There has to be something inside of you. It hasn't been so long since you've last bitten someone!"

"I didn't mean it literally… although the internist hasn't called me back yet as well!" Dracula replied again.

"It's not so bad" Verona said in a nearly cheerful voice.

"People who say that looks aren't everything are liars anyway!" Aleera added "So you still have your good looks!"

"True, true, I am good-looking, that's something no one can take from me! Because I will live forever! MWHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!" Dracula replied happily, although he sounded more like an evil overlord.

"Unless of course you are killed by that Van Helsing guy!" Verona stated thoughtfully "That wouldn't look good I'm sure."

"Or if you go to the hairdressers and he gives you a really bad haircut!" Aleera added.

"Of if fashion changes a lot and your style is not in anymore!" Verona said again.

"But don't worry…" Aleera began again but didn't know how to end her sentence.

"… if something like that should ever happen…" Verona tried to finish the sentence but didn't know how to do it either.

"… well, you will still have some money and as long as you have money you'll have fake friends!" Aleera said finally because she thought that this was a really good way to cheer someone up. Although thinking about the whole "I have no feelings" thing should have made it obvious that Dracula really didn't feel down, because he didn't feel anything in fact. Unless he had lied to them or the whole statement was a plot-hole.

"And of course we'll always be there for you!" Verona said again.

"Unless of course we're being killed like Marishka was!" Aleera added again.

The both women looked at each other and suddenly started crying again.

"MAAAAAARISHKA!!!!!!!!!!!!" they whined again.

"Have you no brain?" Dracula mumbled while turning around and walking away.


	3. Evil may have created it

**Disclaimer: ****As usual, I don't own anything! Only the insanity oh yes, the insanity is mine! And my twisted mind is mine as well... but everything you know from somewhere else isn't... **

**Author's note: ****I love your reviews:lol: thanks everyone! A rather short update but I hope you like it anyway!**

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**Evil may have created it… **

"Anna, evil may have created it, but it doesn't rule it!" Gabriel insisted "I can sense evil and I assure you that it is not evil!"

"How can you say this?" Anna shouted "I'm sure it was sent by the devil himself!"

They stared daggers at each other for a while none of them wanting to give in and admit that they might be wrong.

The poor creature they were talking about was lying on the floor unconscious because Van Helsing had knocked it out earlier.

It was indeed a really complicated problem not only because Anna and Gabriel weren't of the same opinion but also because no matter what they would finally decide it would surely change their entire world forever.

"We could bring it to Rome, Anna, they would keep it safe and away from Dracula!" Gabriel suggested reasonably.

Anna finally sighed but nodded. He might be right and if there was any chance that it wasn't evil they had no right to kill it although it might bring Dracula's offspring to life, prevent them from defeating Dracula or make other terrible things happen.

Then again only looking at the creature made it really hard to believe that it wasn't the worst threat mankind had ever seen and wasn't evil to the bone. And so Anna doubted again.

"What if we only kill it a little?" she asked innocently.

"Kill it a little…" Gabriel repeated disbelieving.

"Good idea!" Anna said at once and aimed at the creature with her gun again.

"No, Anna!" Gabriel said with a stern voice.

"Oh come on!" Anna complained.

"No killing, no hurting, no whatever you could think of!" Van Helsing declared and finally went over to the creature to try and bring it back to Vaseria.

Anna gave him her best pout but since it didn't seem to work she didn't have that much of a choice and decided to help him so the creature would be in Rome instead of here soon at least.

When they reached Anna's home she went to get a carriage and a few horses while Van Helsing tried to find Carl and tell him about the new things they had found out.

When he had found the friar and came back outside with him Anna had already put the creature into the carriage.

"Don't stare at it!" Van Helsing warned Carl before he opened the door.

"I am staring at it!" Carl replied panicky when he got a glimpse of the creature and looked away again quickly.

"Is that a woman?" he asked after a little while.

"No… it's a Mary-Sue!"


	4. Is this your silver stake?

**Disclaimer: I didn't get the rights for this since I wrote my last disclaimer.. so once again I disclaim owning anything! **

**Author's note: ****Thank you all for the reviews! I love them!   
Velfin: It definitely is a really good part in the movie... let's see if I can make something with it! ;)**

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**Is this your silver stake?  
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Dracula screamed in pain, but only for a second. Then he just grabbed the thing Van Helsing had attacked him with and held it in front of the other man's face.

"Is this your silver stake?" he asked in a dangerously low tone.

"Actually no!" Gabriel Van Helsing replied at once with a really calm voice.

Dracula frowned. The heart beat of the other man was steady as it always seemed to be so he couldn't tell from this if he was saying the truth. Heck, he couldn't be saying the truth because the thing was there and there was no other person who could be the owner! Still the situation was very confusing.

"You really want me to believe that this thing isn't yours although I saw how you took it out of your coat and hit me with it?" Dracula asked astonished and also a little upset because the other man seemed to think that he was stupid or something.

"No", Van Helsing answered again still as calm as before "Well, Carl gave it to me so it used to be his but since he doesn't even want or expect me to give it back to him I am going to say that it is in fact mine."

Dracula's face turned red with anger as he shouted: "Just a second ago you said that it wasn't yours, now you say it's yours, so what is it?"

"I said, in fact, that it isn't my silver stake, which is true!" Gabriel shot back immediately "Because it is in fact my silver steak!"

There was a broad grin on his face as if he had just made the joke of his life. Thinking over it, it probably was the joke of his life.

"WHAT?" Dracula cried out disbelieving.

"A steak, a piece of meat, you know?" Gabriel explained as if it had really been a question.

"I know what a steak is!" Dracula spat "But why are you attacking me with one?"

"Because you would never ever have expected that!" Gabriel answered truthfully and in a tone as if he was saying something very logical.

"I wouldn't expect you to bring me sweets and flowers either, but I see none anywhere!" the Count said still rather mad.  
At the same time he had to admit that the thought of Gabriel standing in front of him with flowers and sweets was kind of scary. So he still preferred the steak even though it still didn't make any sense to him.

Van Helsing thought about this for some time before he replied: "Well, possibly you wouldn't expect it, but how would flowers and sweets help me to destroy you?"

"How will a silver steak?" Dracula shot back "The stake would have been worth a try at least, although it wouldn't have worked as well."

"Either you try and eat the steak yourself and die of food-poisoning because of all the silver in it" Gabriel explained "Or the werewolf you are keeping as a pet will be coming after you because you are holding the steak and then it will eat you and the steak and you're dead and the werewolf will die because of the silver, too!"

The Count was speechless. "Wow! You really thought about this!"

"What did you expect? I am the great Van Helsing after all! I killed Mr. Hyde, saved the Queen, make witty remarks even thought I'm in life-threatening situations and manage to look incredibly good no matter what I'm doing!" Gabriel announced proudly.

Count Dracula had just started to panic because this time his enemy seemed to be a really intelligent man with really good plan, when Carl entered the room panting and trying to catch his breath very hard.

"Van Helsing" he shouted holding an object into the air "Is this your silver stake? You forgot to take it along!"


	5. Why is it so important to kill Dracula?

**Disclaimer: ****I DIDN'T DO IT! NOBODY SAW ME DO IT! YOU CAN'T PROVE A THING! hem hem Sorry, so where was I? Oh yes, I don't own the characters of this story and I don't own the setting... please don't sue me **

**Why is it so important to kill Dracula anyway?**

The villagers didn't seem to appreciate their presence. Carl gulped a few times trying very hard to fight the urge and run away screaming for his mom.

He had told Van Helsing that he wasn't a field man but of course the other man hadn't believed him. Well, there wasn't a reason to believe a friar who wasn't allowed to lie after all, was there?

It didn't matter anymore anyway because he was standing in the middle of nowhere at a very hostile place now and had no chance to get out of this before Dracula was killed.

Only thinking of it made Carl feel sick and so he decided that a little Smalltalk might help him to fight the urge to run away screaming for his mom after wetting his pants.

"Why is it so important to kill Dracula anyway?" he asked finally because it was the only question which came to his mind right then.

Van Helsing didn't seem to be keen on talking that very moment but was politely enough to answer the question: "Because he's the son of the devil!"

"I mean other than that!" Carl stated immediately. He would just keep talking until Van Helsing would either send him home because he was too annoying or knock him out.

"Because everything bitten or created by him will die as well if he dies?" Gabriel suggested a little unnerved this time.

"How do you know this?" the friar wanted to know immediately afterwards "Because back at Rome you didn't know anything about vampires!"

"I read stuff about them while we were on the ship!" Gabriel stated and gave Calr an annoyed look which could have killed an elephant.

Fortunately for the friar he wasn't an elephant but at the same time in Africa a big elephant dropped dead.

If this had happened because Van Helsing really could kill someone only looking at them or because the animal had been really old and ill will remain an unsolved mystery forever.

Carl however didn't get the hint and continued asking: "Where did you get the books from?"

"Somewhere, anywhere, none of your business!" Gabriel snorted.

"I have the nagging feeling…" Carl began.

"And I have a nagging companion!" Van Helsing interrupted him.

"…that there is something more behind all of this!" Carl insisted "What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it?"

"Okay, okay!" Gabriel surrendered finally "FINE! He has to die because he's got more fangirls than I have!"


	6. I could never allow

**Disclaimer: ****see at former chapters**

**Author's note: ****Uh... so this took a while and I don't think it's really good but hey, I've got two more ready (just need to type them) and I think they are going to be better... enjoy still!**

"I could never allow him to be used for such evil!" Dr. Victor Frankenstein exclaimed quite shocked after hearing what the Count was planning to do with his now alive "son".

"Oh come on! That's what he was made for!" Dracula replied immediately.

"No it's not!" the Doc shouted angrily "he was made for… for… DON'T KNOW BUT NOT FOR THIS!"

"He will be used for whatever I want, because I am the one who pays you!" Count Dracula stated after a little while.

"He will not be used for your purpose because I am his father and I am going to be the one who tells him what he should be doing!" Victor shot back.

"Don't I have a saying in this?" the "monster" asked suddenly.

Both men turned their head to look at him.

"Shut up!" Dracula commanded.

"Daddy is just having an adult-talk with the nice man, so please don't interrupt!" Victor said a lot more nicely than the count had.

"But it's my not-dead-anymore-parts you are talking about!" the monster mumbled just before he closed his eyes again because he wanted to be a good boy.

"I'm sorry, Count, I didn't have the time to teach him any manners yet!" Victor excused the behaviour of his son.

"Don't worry, I know how kids are nowadays!" Dracula replied in a really friendly tone "Just look at my offspring. I bring them to life again and again and again and they have nothing better to do than explode! How grateful is that?"

"Friends?" Dr. Frankenstein asked cautiously after a few moments had passed.

"Friends!" Dracula agreed happily.

The two men hugged each other.

"Where were we? Oh yeah, I still can't allow my son to be used for your plan!" Victor argued again.

Dracula sighed and pushed the other man away very annoyed.

"But I could!" he said again "In fact my brides insist on it!"

"Your brides?" Oh my God! You are one of those henpecked husbands!" the Doc stated very amused before he started to laugh loudly.

Even the monster, which was still strapped to the table giggled silently.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!" STOP THAT!" Dracula shouted at both of them "Or I'm going to tell my mother!"

Frankenstein and his monster fell silent immediately but only for a second before they laughed even louder.

"Alright, that's it! I'm going to take him to my castle now!" Dracula announced which really stopped Victor and the monster from laughing on.

"but… but… but…" both started to stammer.

"no and, or, but, whatever, I'm the villain here and I'm going to do as I please!" Dracula said coldly and went closer to the table where the monster was lying.

"Please, have mercy!" Frankenstein begged one last time getting on his knees.

"Oh come on… I just want him to take the leading role in "the Munsters"!"


	7. Noone knows how to kill Dracula!

**Disclaimer: **Not mine... wish it was... but isn't...

**Author's note:** Have I mentioned that I like to add author's notes? Well, never mind... so this one is longer again (not very long but longer than the last) hope you enjoy! By the way, I'm really really overwhelmed by the reactions I'm getting for this one... keep the reviews coming and I'll keep the chapters coming!

„A silver stake? A crucifix? What, did you think we haven't tried everything before? We've shot him, stabbed him, clubbed him, sprayed him with holy water, staked him through the heart, and STILL he lives! Do you understand? No-one knows how to kill Dracula!" Anna exclaimed rather upset after she and Van Helsing had finally managed to get out of the castle physically unharmed and still alive this far.

**"**Well, I could have used that information a little earlier." he snapped back.

"You never asked!" she replied in a mocking tone fighting the urge to stick her tongue out at him.

"I did! In fact I asked "What are we dealing with and how can I kill it?"! You just didn't answer!" Gabriel shot back immediately feeling really intelligent and being in the right.

"You didn't ask. In fact you said "I usually just ask two questions…" but you didn't actually ask them!" Anna argued stubbornly. Besides he had knocked her out nearly instantaneously after making his question.

"But you want to get rid of Dracula and therefore should have told me anyway!" Van Helsing insisted totally not feeling like a little kid arguing with another in the sandbox.

"Uh… maybe I should have…" the female gave in finally but her all too cheerful tone gave away that she wasn't quite done with her comment.

"But?" Gabriel wanted to know falling for the trap she had prepared for him.

"It was kind of funny watching you trying it anyway!" Anna managed to say before she started giggling hysterically.

Van Helsing wasn't capable of doing anything but growling at her after that.

"Okay… okay… sorry!" she apologized a few moments later while still trying to catch her breath from laughing. She then studied his features for some seconds noticing that he was quite handsome indeed. Besides thinking that she was the female-lead in this story she had to make advances towards the male main character, hadn't she?

"Smooching is out of question then?" she asked while he was still staring daggers at her.

"You bet!" he snapped without spending the time to actually think about what she had just said. If he had taken the time… he'd still have said the same. Knowing him he possibly wouldn't have but then again ignorance is bliss and that very moment he liked to ignore the fact that he didn't leave many opportunities of kissing someone out.

Without a warning Anna started sobbing, which would have been more effective if it hadn't been raining so much that one could barely see her tears, by the way.

It still had an effect of Van Helsing though because even though he was a really fearless monster-hunter, who had probably seen many dead or dying people and who liked to act as if human emotions were something totally unknown to him, he still couldn't stand to see a woman… or Carl for that matter… cry.

He couldn't stand it… this didn't mean that he was doing something about it however.

"Oh my God! Well, at least I have an idea how we can vanquish Dracula now!" Gabriel grumbled after twenty minutes in which she hadn't stopped crying and in which it seemed she hadn't even stopped moaning to catch breath.

"Really?" Anna wanted to know all of a sudden in the mood and state of mind for talking about their enemy again.

"First step: We go back to his castle!" Van Helsing explained slowly. At least he had her attention now.

"Sounds easy and logical so far…" she agreed. She liked easy plans! She liked logical plans! And if a plan was both she loved it!

"Second step: I stay outside and you enter!" he went on talking.

"Uh?" Anna was about to make a question when he interrupted her with the rest of his plan.

"Third step: I get away as fast as I can!" he finished.

"May I ask a question now?" Anna asked finally after she was sure that he would let her talk this time.

He nodded his permission.

"How will that help to get rid of Dracula?" she nearly shouted into his face because she hadn't missed the fact that the one who was getting away worst in this plan was her.

"Five minutes spent with you and he'll be suicidal!"


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